Then & Now.

My life was changed forever the moment I met him. I never wanted anything more, maybe I never will. I never knew I could love someone so much. I always looked how I do now, overweight, even when I was a child. I always thought he loved me for exactly who I was, loving me deep down to my soul. I'll admit I kind of let myself go. Always dressing comfy, forget make up, I'll shave my legs when they're showing out in public. I got lazy. I guess I felt I already had him & didn't focus on keeping him. So about a month ago, he told me that he's not really sexually attracted to me anymore & I need to start doing more. That was a total wake up call. I felt like we were going to break up. I started trying again. I'd put on make up, dress up. I even started working out and eating healthier. About a week ago, we were laying in bed & he told me he had been thinking about breaking up. We talked for nearly 2 hours and by the end of it, we realized how much we love each other and breaking up wasn't happening. This was yet another wake up call. I had to do something & that's just what I did. I started trying harder. This is a lot of personal information I'm sharing, but I feel the only way I can truly heal is to be perfectly honest about the whole thing. Not just with everyone else, but also with myself. A few days ago before I went to work, I went over to his place to find a girl asleep in his bed. I didn't even react the way I would have expected to. Partly because on that drive over I already had the biggest gut-clenching feeling that this was about to happen. I sense things, I know things, I guess I'm a little on the psychic side, but that's a different story. I was so devastated but I still wanted him. Even though HE cheated, he was the one who broke up with me. I begged, I pleaded. I was so pathetic. Up until last night, I was still begging for him to be with me. I have loved him for nearly 4 years. We've been together for nearly 3. Today is the day that I begin to move on, to heal. There's something that really sucks about trying to move on. He still will be in my life, for a while. We share a car in which he pays half the payment. He's stranded otherwise and I can't afford it without his help. So I still have to see him when he needs to go to work. This is going to make it extremely difficult, but I'm motivated. Do I still want to be with him? Absolutely. I feel as though these feelings will never change. The best revenge is to show him what he's missing and I plan on doing just that. Last night a lady from Bodyplex was at my job offering memberships for $10/month. I couldn't resist that offer. Let me just say, since I started eating healthier and working out about a month ago, I've lost 15 pounds. My original weight was an embarrassing 275 pounds and I'm down to 260. I still have a ways to go, I'd like to lose another 100. I've never been so motivated in my life. Working out helps me deal with the pain I'm feeling. Sitting around all I do is think about how much I love him, how much I'm hurting. I just have to stay busy, stay moving now. All I want to do is work out. I don't even feel like eating to the point I have to force myself. My life is a total wreck, but I'm promising myself that it will get better if I allow it to.